So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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