Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
