How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
