My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
