I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize