Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
