Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
