call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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