i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I touched a dick in church today
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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