Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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