I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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