Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
