Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize