you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Randomize
