my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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