worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's shark week go big or go home
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
