You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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