Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
