Umm I'm too high to move.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Also, beer. Big fan.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
