Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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