Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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