Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
