I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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