I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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