Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize