just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
