please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
