Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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