Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
