My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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