I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I stole a fireplace last night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
