I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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