my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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