I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
