i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
