Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
