I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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