sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
