It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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