You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize