Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
