Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize