Yo dont text me then not text me
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
