but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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