he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
