Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
