What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
