he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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