When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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