He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
