Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
