it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
how do flat chested girls get laid?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize