I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
