Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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