My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
