Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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