I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
