Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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