i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
