Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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