Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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