i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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