you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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